Corny but Cute
I cant believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
My favorite Thanksgiving pie?
Pun kin!
We squint at the sun because it is bright.
We squint at people because they are not!
Your girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A solid 10 but imaginary.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
Why don't owls go on dates when it's raining?
Because it's too wet to woo.
I asked my wife if I should pick up Fish and Chips
on the way home. She hung up on me!!!
Shes' still angry she let me name the kids.
Did the Russians know life was going to get worse under the Soviets?
There were lots of red flags!
Lucky for you...
mirrors can't laugh out loud!
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
Not a fan.
What's the difference between the
bird flu and the swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other oinkment.
How do you stop a bull from charging?
Cancel his credit card.
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My wife texted me this morning... Windows frozen!
I replied, "Pour some warm water over it."
wife replied, "Computer's fried."
Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernnels.
My cremation is going to be verryy interesting!
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat three squares a day.
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves.
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of a tunnel. The realist sees a train...
The train engineer sees three idiots on the tracks.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and Ships.
My wife has stood by my side for 20 years.
I'm considering buying a second chair just for her!
When its sunny I think Beer Garden, when it rains I think Pub, and when it snows I think Hot Buttered Rum. I think I have a problem with the weather.
"I dropped the toothpaste" Tom said, Crestfallen.
Think old and you'll be old!
Think young, and you'll be a delusional old fart!
The worst part about parallel parking
is the witnesses!
I know some are concerned about me
running over geese?
But it gives me goose bumps.
The THC for the cheese I was making was stolen. They called it high whey robbery.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore.
My wife was furious when
I bought her a make-your-own perfume kit.
But, it just made scents to me.
When you're 16 and in love
and you get that tingly sensation
Thats' common sense draining from your veins.
Just bought a boomerang from a ghost.
That'll come back to haunt me.
So... That stress ball you gave me,
Isn't for throwing at people who stress me out!!!
What was Icarus's favorite food?
Hot wings.
I bought two bottles of Liquid Plumber...
$16 down the drain...
I couldnt figure out how the seat belt worked.
Then it just clicked.
Jokes about sausages are bad, but
German sausage jokes are the Wurst!
Some people think my puns are juvenile,
but I prefer to think of them as Full Groan!
What's the difference between
roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef...
How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving...
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice!!!
When I take more than my fair share
I break out in hives.
I must be allergic to selfish.
My wife is like a newspaper...
there's a new issue Daily.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog, it croaks every day.
Soooooo happy the voices are back.
The Doc said the medication would help, but it just made me lonely!
Why do people say "break a leg" when you go on stage
because every play has a cast.
Someone hacked my bank account and took everything I had.
It was a bad day for both of us!
There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect alcohol has on walking.
The results were staggering.
Have you ever wondered why the past, present, and future are always so tense?
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname Mr. Compromise.
It's not my first choice but I'm ok with it.
If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.
That is why people with no sense have a heightened sense of self-importance.
When people tell you,
"It's as plain as the nose on your face."
I've got a real problem cus I can't see my nose!
Thousands of innocent plants are killed by
Vegetarians daily!
Help end the violence... eat bacon!
You remind me of my Chinese friend.
Ug Lee.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
I'm afraid once your heart is involved
it all comes out in moron.
Don't rush me...
I'm still deciding whether to be productive today or not.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone,
I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly,
"You can see me?"
I just stepped on a cornflake.
Now, I am officially a cereal killer.
I have not lost my mind!
Half of it wandered off and the other half went looking for it.
A negative person sees the glass half empty.
A positive person sees it half full.
A realistic adds 2 shots of whiskey & says cheers!
I want the job where I push scared skydivers
Out the plane!
Sometimes I look at my boyfriend and think...
Damn, he is one lucky man.
Relationships are like a walk in the park.
Jurassic Park.
Why did the man get hit by a bike every day?
He was stuck in a vicious cycle.
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?
Mistle-toes.
What kind of sounds come from planets?
Neptunes.
During a race what did the first tomato say to the second tomato?
Ketchup.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Reality.
Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?
Because he got lost at C.
Why can't you trust duck doctors?
They are all quacking.
Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
What did the cake say to the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What do you call fake spaghetti?
An im-pasta.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
How do rabbits travel?
By hareplanes.
What do cows like to read?
Cattle-logs.
Dear Math, stop asking to find your X
She's not coming back.
Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is
generally another woman.
Brains are an awesome tool.
I wish someone besides me had one.
The greatest terror is knowing one's self!
And being unable to escape.
Let's run away and get married.
I'm sorry... but I cantaloupe.
Why don't ants get sick?
They have little anty bodies.
Why did they arrest the cook?
She was caught beating an egg.
What do you call a train carring bubble gum?
A chew chew train.
What does a bad hen lay?
Deviled eggs.
We don't have any vegetable jokes yet.
So if you do, Lettuce know.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Why couldn't the toilet paper get across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
A big shout-out to ATM fees
for making me buy my own money!
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone,
and they beat you to it!
May your life be as good
as you make it out to be on social media!
Phew! Thank you, "WARNING LABEL".
I was considering using my toaster in the shower.
Looking at books and thinking:
what a waste of a tree!
Why didn't you reply to my text?
How am I supposed to reply to LOL?
Line dancing was originally invented
by people in line
waiting for the bathroom.
Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
Nothing is illegal. Until you get caught.
Why are iPhone chargers not called apple juice!
Birthdays are good for your health. Studies show those who have more birthdays live longer.
What kind of music is scary for balloons?
pop music.
What does a farmer say
when he is milking his cows?
Udder nonsense.
What do you call an alligator detective?
An investi-gator.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
What kind of ghost has the best hearing?
The eeriest.
Where can you buy soup in bulk?
The stock market.
How do you tell if a vampire is sick?
Listen to him coffin.
Why did the restaurant hire a pig?
He was good at bacon.
Why are the Irish so wealthy?
Because their capital is Dublin.
What's the best way to burn 1,000 calories?
Leave the pizza in the oven.
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest.
I ate a kids meal at McDonalds today!
His mother seemed pretty upset.
If you eat an entire cake without cutting it...
Technically you only has one piece.
